I am a private person. And an introvert. Though I guess those two go hand-in-hand. It has never been easy for me to talk about personal things. I’m not sure why.
Maybe it was because I grew up with boys—I have two older brothers; in primary school, I almost always sat next to a boy; my best friend until I was about 11 years old was a boy; and I played tennis after school with boys. Of course, there were girls in my life too—I went to an all-girls high school after all—but I always felt more at ease around boys.
Or maybe it was because my mother was of the same temperament. I can only recall one incident in my childhood when I saw her cry. At least for reasons on her mind rather than for external factors. It was when I think she first realized her mother was getting old. I’m sure she cried more than that. She just didn’t do so in front of us. And that’s how it was with me. While I cried openly during sad movies or seeing hurt dogs on the street, I cried in private for what really consumed my thoughts—my insecurities and hurt and confusion. These were things I thought were too sensitive or controversial to share. I didn’t want to deal with any backlash of sharing them so I didn’t. Now I find it easier to talk about them, but other things have replaced them.
I think these all contributed to making me less of a talker and more of a listener. And I became pretty good at it. Over the years I’ve observed with interest the dichotomy of what people say and what they do. What they say they believe and what they believe. And how these change depending on the circumstance.
There are many people who share a similar story to me. But as I got older, especially into my late twenties and thirties, people in my life began to question this aspect of me. That I was too private. That they didn’t know what was going on in my life. That I didn’t share in a way that matched their expectations. It sent the message to me that to share was to be a “good” friend—and by virtue of that, the inverse must also be true. All the other things that I brought to the friendship didn’t matter if I didn’t share what they wanted to hear. And what I did share didn’t matter if it didn’t meet what they expected to hear. There were moments where I felt backed into a corner and forced to share something I wasn’t ready to. I resented that my friendship felt predicated on sharing what they expected me to share, not what I was willing or ready to share.
These incidents made think a lot about sharing, what it really means, and the reasons some share more than others.
Sharing can be beneficial, but only in certain circumstances.
Who you share with, what you share with them, how you share it, when you share it and why you want to share it all determine the impact of sharing and whether it will be beneficial for you. If you are someone who finds it difficult to share, all of these must align for you to feel comfortable and safe in sharing what you need to—if you need to. I have found that a lot of the contention in my friendships was when other’s expectations for each of these didn’t align with what I felt comfortable with. This is when sharing can feel invasive rather than bonding.
Sharing is only one aspect of vulnerability.
There seems to be this notion that you need to spill your heart out to be authentic and vulnerable. It’s simply not true. Sharing is only one aspect of vulnerability. Vulnerability is asking your partner for a hug or a kiss when they have repeatedly rejected you in the past. It is reaching for their hand when you know they might let go shortly after. It is asking a friend for an important favor though you don’t frame it as such.
Vulnerability is saying “Hey, I know you might not react the way I want you to when I do (or say) this, but I’m going to take that chance anyway.”
Sharing is taking the burden you are carrying—your story, your struggle—and inviting someone else to bear it with you.
Sharing is saying “Hey, this is what is happening in my life right now and I’m feeling overwhelmed and it hurts a lot. I just need someone to talk to.”
There are certain fundamentals of sharing.
For those who find it difficult to share, or for those who have someone in their life who doesn’t share as much as you would like, there are a number of things to consider:
Who to share with?
We all have a sharing ‘hierarchy’ that we have subconsciously (or consciously) established based on our experiences and it looks something like this. I call it the Circle of Sharing.
Each ring represents some aspect of you—relationships, grief, family, health, religion and spiritual beliefs, career etc. Where each person falls in this chart depends on a number of factors, including how long we’ve known them, what shared experiences we’ve had, what shared friends we have, their relationship to us, and our intuition on how much we trust them on a particular topic. For some of us, most of these topics fall in that innermost circle where we only share with select few or keep to ourselves.
When we meet someone new, they start on the outside circle and work their way inward. Not everyone moves inward at the same pace. Some who have progressed may also backtrack, or stay in one place for years. Some have to invest more and others less. In the end, who you share with really depends on what you want to share and who in your life falls in that Circle of Sharing for you.
What to share?
I don’t have a good poker face. At least I don’t think so. So when I get bombarded with questions, I feel forced to answer otherwise my face will give it away anyway. This is one of the hardest parts of sharing for me—the questions I get. Which is why I often prefer just to not talk about it, otherwise I often regret saying anything at all.
The piece that I struggle with is when it involves other people. I try to be sensitive about what I say about other people. In this case, there are five questions I ask myself:
- Is it unkind?
- Is it hurtful?
- Is it invading the other person’s privacy?
- How well does this person know them?
- Is it a behaviour or a trait?
The last question is particularly important to me. I’m aware that what I say about someone will impact a person’s view of them, particularly if they do not have the same experience and exposure to them as I do. It is our natural tendency to extrapolate behaviours to traits of who people are. I prefer to look for patterns of behaviour before getting to these conclusions. For instance, a rude or disrespectful comment will raise an alarm bell, but if it was a one-off behaviour then maybe other factors were involved. I certainly know I’m not perfect and so I prefer to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Of course, if the person I’m sharing with knows the other person just as well, this becomes less of an issue as it is easier to speak a bit more openly to confirm observations. I have had very revealing conversations when this was the case, confirming or dismissing observations I had.
How to share?
Sometimes we underestimate this one, but how we share—whether one-on-one or in a group—influences all of the others. Sharing one-on-one is usually the safest unless everyone in the group falls exactly in the same Circle of Sharing, which isn’t always the case. I prefer sharing one-on-one. I think groups are more difficult for me because of the questions perspective mentioned earlier.
When to share?
I am an incredibly emotional person. I get hurt and upset very easily although my logical self tells me I am overreacting. My emotions induce such an intense physical response that it is often incredibly difficult to control except to step away from the situation and deal with what I am feeling on my own. Taking this time allows me to deal with my emotions safely and not risk saying or doing anything that could be hurtful. Once I feel in a more steady state, then I am usually able to share more openly. Of course, this can take anywhere from five days to five years. It really depends on the situation. The other benefit of taking time is that often new information becomes available or I even get to resolution. I guess this also relates back to the questions piece—it makes me anxious when I’m asked questions I don’t have the answers to, and with more information, it makes it easier to share.
Know why you want to share
Most important of all, we should know why we want to share in the first place. We all have different reasons we want to share and those reasons change with each person we choose to share with. With one person, it could be to develop trust in a new relationship, or closeness and connection. With another, it could be to get emotional support on a difficult situation you are dealing with. Or it can even be reaching out for help. But in the end, we should know why we’re doing it and that it aligns with what we really want and it should feel safe and supportive.
Even after all these things are considered, sometimes we just don’t want to share.
We fear judgment.
Judgment is jumping to conclusions based on imperfect information. Observation is looking at the facts. Many people are black and white on issues. I used to be. Sometimes I still struggle with inconsistency. Saying one thing and doing another. The “exceptions”. I have my own experiences or know those close to me who have made “questionable” choices. But I have learned to welcome the grey. The grey is where you allow people to be safe. To make mistakes. I get some issues are certainly black and white. But there is context. And context is what drives people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. Most of what tortures us is when we do something we know is wrong but we do it anyway. We ignore that little voice in our head. And that leads us to the next point.
We feel shame.
I carry a lot of shame. For things I’ve done. For things I should have done. I listen to your words. How you describe others’ actions. So black and white. Why would I want to share with you? I know you will judge me. Context and circumstance are not as understandable as you’d hope.
The context of the choice adds some rational, but it doesn’t change the nature of the choice. So who am I to judge. Why would someone judge me differently because they are my friend? Fundamentally, I understand why some people make the choices they do. It doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I can see why they chose that course of action. Whether it was circumstance or emotionally driven or some other factor. We are great at justifying to ourselves our decisions.
We think others won’t care.
We watch how others react as we “raise the ante” in what we share. We watch what they say and what they don’t say. The expression on their face as we speak. Where their eyes look. How much they pay attention to the less interesting details. If they seem to lose interest or are not genuinely concerned, then that is where I usually stop. I recall numerous conversations where the topic has been changed because it wasn’t interesting enough. For me, if you’re not interested in the back-story, then you don’t get the full story. Some people just want the ‘juicy details’. My life isn’t a soap opera. Don’t treat it as such.
We value the pain and struggle.
Some things we just need to deal with for ourselves. They are our own personal struggles and we learn what strength we have and what we can bear. It helps us to become self-dependent because sometimes that’s all we have.
We just don’t want a witness.
Quite simply, we don’t want someone remembering something we rather forget. How many times has someone brought up something that made you squirm because you had blissfully forgotten it and now all the memories come flooding back? We don’t need a witness to this particular story, and we certainly don’t need a ticking time bomb out there that can remind us of it once we’ve finally forgotten it. Not everything needs to be remembered.
###
